Week 8 ~ Auckland // Who I Am

If you've seen pictures of my team you'll know that majority are Maori & Polynesian. I myself am New Zealand/European with my ancestors all coming from England, so I am thoroughly white! I've had a very European up-bringing and so when I came to EXCEL it would be fair to say I encountered a bit of culture shock! This was a bit of a struggle for me even within my tight-knit team this year. It's not easy to be the minority. New Zealand is my home country and yet there were times throughout this year when I felt like I didn't belong, I felt awkward, uncomfortable. I'm not sure how much of those feelings were truth versus just something made up or exaggerated in my mind but it wasn't nice. It wasn't that people were being outright racist or prejudiced at all I just felt like I didn't fit, and that feeling led me to start doubting...

I began to doubt who I was, ask questions, and judge others' thoughts. For example, "I'll never fit in with this crowd. I can try as much as I like but it'll never happen." "They have no idea what it's like to be me." "Why is it that you're 'cool' and I'm not?" "God, why have you put me here, I'm no use." "These people can't relate to me." "Oh so you'll accept me if I make an effort to know your culture but if not I don't matter?" "If I don't feel comfortable in my homeland, where can I be?" "It's unfair that you have your cultural traditions, language etc AND mine." "I don't even know what my 'culture' is." etc

The reason this is the theme of week 8 is that it was our South side week and the school audiences were predominately Maori and/or Polynesian. As an MC for these shows, there were times when I stood on that stage talking to the audience and felt awkward, judged, and like people weren't listening to a single word I said. Then the Maori and Samoans get on stage and the crowd is fully engaged, excited, cheeeeeeehooooooo'ing... It all just left me feeling a bit deflated and those doubts about who I am settled in. Most of my life I've been very confident about myself and who God created me to be but the new situations I found myself in brought up all those questions and left me confused. 

We came to another Sunday show and it was at Life Church Manurewa - an all-Samoan church. I felt nervous about it but as I prepared for the show I felt God remind me to speak words of truth over myself. This may sound weird or cheesy, but I literally stood in front of a mirror before our show and said, "Sonya, God created you with intention. Your ancestry, your culture, your skin colour are no mistake. You were designed by a loving God for a specific purpose. Live for that. Live in confidence. Be YOU."

One of the songs in our Sunday programme was Who I Am by Blanca. I'd heard it every week of tour and all throughout rehearsals, but it had never hit me like it did that day... The words washed over me and a new freedom was found. Here's a link to have a listen for yourself... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oZuNkT7_UM

The main line of the song says "Because I know who's I am, I know who I am." I was struggling with understanding myself and being amongst a group of people who were so very different to me but because I know that I am God's daughter, I know I am loved just for being ME. 

Something I've learnt is that each and every culture or ethnic group displays a part of God that no one else does, as we are ALL made in His image. We hold a part of who God is and even though our differences sometimes separate us, God's love can unite us. I am thankful that I was pushed outside of my comfort zone, for it gave me reason to consider, to question, to explore who I am and why God made me the way He did. I think it's healthy to wrestle with the big questions of life and who we are and the people group we belong to is definitely included in that. I can now walk forward in confidence believing I was made this way for a reason. 

I hope you're on a journey to loving who you are too.