I was asking myself the question "How can I perform shows to encourage others in their faith when I feel so out of touch with God?" The circumstances and things around us are always changing, and that was especially true on tour, everything's unpredictable. But the one thing I always feel sure in is my faith, knowing that at anytime I can call out to God and He'll answer me. Throughout this time, that one certainty in my life disappeared and it left me at a loss. I was all topsy-turvey - I'd be praising Him in worship and then just suddenly stop, stand still and not be able to sense His Presence. I'd be stepping out praying for people one moment and then withdrawing to a corner and isolating myself the next.
At first I didn't know how to tell anyone what I was going through because I didn't understand it and that scared me. When I did try and talk it out I couldn't even adequately explain because I didn't know if this was just an emotional thing or if it was an attack from Satan or what. I was deflated.
On the Sunday night in Taupo I was praying and crying out to God wondering where He was. That prayer looked something like this, "GOD I AM UPSET. We had amazing shows this morning and especially tonight. People were prophesied over, people became followers of Jesus, Your Holy Spirit was touching hearts... and yet I feel this emptiness still. Where was my breakthrough? Why don't you give someone a word for me or even just prayer? How come even though I know I can reach out to you, I don't or can't. This whole week has been a Spiritual roller coaster and I don't know where to go from here. I am lost."
Arriving in Auckland on Monday the 1st of June I decided to open up the Word For You Today. The verse for the day was Isaiah 8:17 - "The Lord has hidden Himself... but I trust Him." A paragraph in the devotional said this, 'If a relationship with God was just fuzzy feelings during our favourite songs, we'd never grow up. God is still with you even when you don't 'feel' Him. Perhaps He's prioritising your trust over your emotions. Faith, not feelings, is what pleases God. Remember, God says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5' I scribbled in the bottom of my journal that day, "God, I still love you and want to live as your daughter even in this weird Spiritual time I'm in right now..."
This weirdness continued throughout the week and I can't pin-point when it stopped. There was no specific moment when I went "Oh THERE you are God!" It was just as I took on that principle of faith over feelings and persevered in Bible reading, praying, and serving that somewhere along the line, the peace in my relationship came back and I felt close and intimate with God again.
If you're at a place where you can't FEEL God or you're scared because your faith is being rocked or challenged... HOLD ON! We all face those times and I can say it freaked me out when I hit that bump in the road but even though it drove me to sobbing some days, feeling no emotion other days, lashing out, withdrawing, and all sorts of reactions, the number one thing that season did was strengthen my trust in God. It's a hard journey we're on... But who said living by faith would be easy?
