At this point I am just amazed by the fact that we actually made it this far with our whole team intact!
In fact, apparently we were the first team in around six years to accomplish the whole tour without anyone dropping out or being asked to leave at some point. I can understand that because I think that spending 21 weeks on the road pretty much living in each others’ pockets was crazy! BUT despite the millions of challenges, we came out of the year with a team unity that can only be explained by it being built on a foundation of worship, prayer, service, and ultimately, love.
In the last week of tour I was a mixed bag of emotions, coping with the reality of tour finishing, facing so many 'lasts' and slightly stressing about life beyond EXCEL. It didn't help that my heart was wrapped up in a boy that I was very soon going to have to walk away from. Although I initially thought it was just a crush that developed from being in such an intense environment, I started to realise that the feelings were real and the flirting wasn't meaningless fun. He gave me butterflies that no one else had ever stirred up. To this day, it astounds me how much influence he had over me without even trying. I could simply look at him and my thoughts would scramble! I feel myself blushing even writing that but I think it's about time I write about this and face it for what it was (and is). I'm pretty shy when it comes to my emotions. I didn't grow up talking openly about relationships and to be very honest, they have always frightened me a little because it means letting some one other than God see the deepest parts of my heart. I tend to guard that very closely. That tendency has protected me from a lot of hurt, but I'm starting to see how it can also prevent me from experiencing a freedom and happiness that I'll otherwise never know.
Back-tracking to where I was then: I wanted to go out with him, but I was never going to voice that. It rocked my world in this last week when he told me his half of the story - that he had developed very real feelings for me too. That changed things. Suddenly this wasn't just a personal struggle of 'get over the boy' because now I knew that his heart was caught up with mine and I could barely believe it! I was ecstatic that he would actually feel for me in this way and it felt surreal that the possibility of calling him mine wasn't as far-fetched as I had told myself. He wanted me! He wanted me to be his girl.
...I said no to him, and it very nearly broke me.
The physical attraction, the emotional connection, the life-compatibility all said yes... But my spirit said no.
The painful reality was I did not have a peace about going out with him. I adored him and yet every time we were alone I was shutting out a conscience that said something wasn't right. I fell head over heels, but in the core of my being I was certain this wasn't meant to be. Did that stop me from dreaming about him and envisioning us together - nope! But it did stop me from saying yes to a serious relationship beyond tour.
When I prayed about it (aka argued with God over it) I felt God say to me that it was my choice. I could choose him if that's what I wanted... But I also heard him say that I needed to know what I was choosing.
I would have changed who I was for him. I would have given him everything. I would have pulled my heart from God to offer it more fully to this boy. I would have let that consume me. I would have become far more concerned with the fulfillment of my desires, and cared much less about the purpose God had in line for my life.
You don't know how many times I wished I could go back to the moment when I told him no and change my answer. The weeks following tour would have been filled with the excitement and happiness of a new relationship rather than the internal struggle of letting go and moving on. It would have meant standing at his side holding his hand, rather than standing on the other side of the room trying to control the ridiculous longing.
Maybe it would have been better to have just gone out with him. I never choose to learn the lesson the hard way. My logic always trumps my heart. That frustrates me because I see others live and love so freely and openly and desire that too. In saying that, I honestly think we walked the harder road in parting ways. We will never have answers for the what if's of life. I don't know what would have happened. I just know I had to make the decision based from a place of my walk with God and where I felt He was leading me (and him) in that particular time.
I haven't written much else about that final week of shows in Wanganui so I think I'll just run back to that now because my cautious little heart is freaking out from all this vulnerability! ...
One of our drama majors got injured and ended up in hospital, so our final shows were adapted versions in regards to the dramas. I blanked and forgot my lines on our final school show and beat myself up for the mistake - but it was a good lesson that I will always be a learner. We went out for a team dinner and all dressed up super beautiful! Our final Sunday night show was a celebration and accomplishment that I'll never forget - we praised God hard for the journey. Arriving back at EXCEL in West Auckland was a relief and that first night back in my own bed was a comfortable I hadn't felt in far too long. In review - WE DID IT! God did it... Through us, for His Glory. Amen.
...
Just so I don't let myself off the hook here, I think I need to say that a year on, I still struggle with the decision I made regarding that relationship. So many things remind me of him and the moments we shared. The should have been dream tugs at my heart far too often for my liking. I'm not sure how healing will come. It appears he still has a piece of my heart and I don't entirely know how to get it back. I also don't really want to fully let him go and accept the fact that it will never happen. I keep holding on even though I know that's so much more damaging than surrendering him into the hands of God. I'm really sorry that I hurt him. I'm still on the broken but healing journey. Every now and then, the cracks show themselves. Somewhere along the line, I'm going to have to let Jesus put my heart back together so that it can be offered wholly to a man, but I'm not ready yet. I'm still learning to love.
Just so I don't let myself off the hook here, I think I need to say that a year on, I still struggle with the decision I made regarding that relationship. So many things remind me of him and the moments we shared. The should have been dream tugs at my heart far too often for my liking. I'm not sure how healing will come. It appears he still has a piece of my heart and I don't entirely know how to get it back. I also don't really want to fully let him go and accept the fact that it will never happen. I keep holding on even though I know that's so much more damaging than surrendering him into the hands of God. I'm really sorry that I hurt him. I'm still on the broken but healing journey. Every now and then, the cracks show themselves. Somewhere along the line, I'm going to have to let Jesus put my heart back together so that it can be offered wholly to a man, but I'm not ready yet. I'm still learning to love.
