"As we were praying I saw a picture
of your heart and it's like it was made out of play-dough.
God is changing, re-shaping it."
A lot has happened since I last wrote on my blog at the end of January. On the 1st of February I moved from my parents house in Papakura, South Auckland, out to West Auckland where I'm boarding with a couple until I leave for tour. EXCEL 2015 began the next day and we've been going full-out in rehearsal mode ever since. I knew this was going to be a big commitment and it's proving to be just that. Our Tour Team is made up of 20 amazing, creative, talented dancers, singers, musicians and actors. I'm in the mix for acting and there are two other people working alongside me in that.
Drama is not a simple practice. You may see acting as being fake - pretending to be someone you're not. It is totally the opposite. Acting is all about using your body, your mind, your emotions to portray another's life, someone else's story. It is recreating reality on a stage so that those who are watching can be taken on a journey, watch a story unfold, share in the world of the characters. To be someone who gets to partake in that is a privilege and so it is much more than simply entertainment. To truthfully portray your version of a character, you have to be willing to be completely vulnerable and open. If what you're after is a real connection with your fellow actors and the audience, it means taking everything that you are and putting it into your work, your art. There is no room to put up barriers, walls, or to close off. To act is to be and to be one must allow themselves to become entirely transparent and honest.
Now, I'm not saying that I have reached a point of being "entirely transparent and honest" because that is not true, not even close. What I am saying, is that as I study acting, as I invest myself into performing through drama, I am learning about myself. I am learning to be open and real and present in the moment. I didn't realize until last year how hard this is for me and in the last month I've been challenged on it at an even deeper level. I could drop acting. I could leave it behind. Pursue something else. I'd be great at a number of things, study, jobs, professions, careers that don't require me to be open and raw about who I am and what I believe... But if I chose that, would I ever have the same opportunities to affect others? To connect with other human beings and their stories? To afford them the chance to connect and be challenged about life and it's questions? This is what God has called me to at this moment of my life. Although it is not easy and at times is painful, it will be worth it for I know I'm doing His work, He is using me through drama.
We've been given a lot of work to do in writing and editing our scripts and drama pieces for the tour programme. It's so so cool having a lot of influence on what we're putting together and performing, but it comes with a lot of work and responsibility. Something that's been really incredible for me though is when I look back to last year, I was given a number of opportunities to share some of my spoken word pieces at various youth and church events. At one in particular I was given quite a long set time and so I talked about my journey at EXCEL and shared three poems as a part of that. Later on in the evening, the pastor of that church was onstage and as he was speaking, he singled me out and said, "God is the God of poetry, and He is going to use your gifts to touch the lives of others. His plans for you are greater than you can even imagine!" Now here I am, less than a year later preparing to tour New Zealand doing performing arts and as a part of that, words that I have written are going to be spoken to hundreds of people sharing the truth that God loves them. Greater than I could have imagined? YES!
At the start of this post I put a quote. To explain, last Tuesday we were having a prayer meeting for EXCEL and I asked for prayer because earlier in the day I had been crying and felt all heavy and down and like I didn't understand what God was trying to say to me. Three of my wonderful friends were praying over me and that's when this was said, "As we were praying I saw a picture of your heart and it's like it was made out of play-dough. God is changing, re-shaping it." That made SO much sense to me. My heart/spirit has felt different lately. There's been times when the ways I've reacted or things I've said have surprised me. God is so at work here. It's not that my heart is wrong or bad the way it is... It's just that there is potential and room for growth and so God's in the upgrade business! As I was reflecting and thinking about this playdough picture I came to a realization... That although it's strange and confusing and difficult as God reshapes me, all the time I'm still in His loving hands which is exactly where I want to be.
