Week 21 ~ Wanganui // We Did It

Week twenty-one...

At this point I am just amazed by the fact that we actually made it this far with our whole team intact!

In fact, apparently we were the first team in around six years to accomplish the whole tour without anyone dropping out or being asked to leave at some point. I can understand that because I think that spending 21 weeks on the road pretty much living in each others’ pockets was crazy! BUT despite the millions of challenges, we came out of the year with a team unity that can only be explained by it being built on a foundation of worship, prayer, service, and ultimately, love.

In the last week of tour I was a mixed bag of emotions, coping with the reality of tour finishing, facing so many 'lasts' and slightly stressing about life beyond EXCEL. It didn't help that my heart was wrapped up in a boy that I was very soon going to have to walk away from. Although I initially thought it was just a crush that developed from being in such an intense environment, I started to realise that the feelings were real and the flirting wasn't meaningless fun. He gave me butterflies that no one else had ever stirred up. To this day, it astounds me how much influence he had over me without even trying. I could simply look at him and my thoughts would scramble! I feel myself blushing even writing that but I think it's about time I write about this and face it for what it was (and is). I'm pretty shy when it comes to my emotions. I didn't grow up talking openly about relationships and to be very honest, they have always frightened me a little because it means letting some one other than God see the deepest parts of my heart. I tend to guard that very closely. That tendency has protected me from a lot of hurt, but I'm starting to see how it can also prevent me from experiencing a freedom and happiness that I'll otherwise never know.

Back-tracking to where I was then: I wanted to go out with him, but I was never going to voice that. It rocked my world in this last week when he told me his half of the story - that he had developed very real feelings for me too. That changed things. Suddenly this wasn't just a personal struggle of 'get over the boy' because now I knew that his heart was caught up with mine and I could barely believe it! I was ecstatic that he would actually feel for me in this way and it felt surreal that the possibility of calling him mine wasn't as far-fetched as I had told myself. He wanted me! He wanted me to be his girl.

...I said no to him, and it very nearly broke me.

The physical attraction, the emotional connection, the life-compatibility all said yes... But my spirit said no.

The painful reality was I did not have a peace about going out with him. I adored him and yet every time we were alone I was shutting out a conscience that said something wasn't right. I fell head over heels, but in the core of my being I was certain this wasn't meant to be. Did that stop me from dreaming about him and envisioning us together - nope! But it did stop me from saying yes to a serious relationship beyond tour.

When I prayed about it (aka argued with God over it) I felt God say to me that it was my choice. I could choose him if that's what I wanted... But I also heard him say that I needed to know what I was choosing.

I would have changed who I was for him. I would have given him everything. I would have pulled my heart from God to offer it more fully to this boy. I would have let that consume me. I would have become far more concerned with the fulfillment of my desires, and cared much less about the purpose God had in line for my life.

You don't know how many times I wished I could go back to the moment when I told him no and change my answer. The weeks following tour would have been filled with the excitement and happiness of a new relationship rather than the internal struggle of letting go and moving on. It would have meant standing at his side holding his hand, rather than standing on the other side of the room trying to control the ridiculous longing.

Maybe it would have been better to have just gone out with him. I never choose to learn the lesson the hard way. My logic always trumps my heart. That frustrates me because I see others live and love so freely and openly and desire that too. In saying that, I honestly think we walked the harder road in parting ways. We will never have answers for the what if's of life. I don't know what would have happened. I just know I had to make the decision based from a place of my walk with God and where I felt He was leading me (and him) in that particular time.

I haven't written much else about that final week of shows in Wanganui so I think I'll just run back to that now because my cautious little heart is freaking out from all this vulnerability! ...

One of our drama majors got injured and ended up in hospital, so our final shows were adapted versions in regards to the dramas. I blanked and forgot my lines on our final school show and beat myself up for the mistake - but it was a good lesson that I will always be a learner. We went out for a team dinner and all dressed up super beautiful! Our final Sunday night show was a celebration and accomplishment that I'll never forget - we praised God hard for the journey. Arriving back at EXCEL in West Auckland was a relief and that first night back in my own bed was a comfortable I hadn't felt in far too long. In review - WE DID IT! God did it... Through us, for His Glory. Amen.

...

Just so I don't let myself off the hook here, I think I need to say that a year on, I still struggle with the decision I made regarding that relationship. So many things remind me of him and the moments we shared. The should have been dream tugs at my heart far too often for my liking. I'm not sure how healing will come. It appears he still has a piece of my heart and I don't entirely know how to get it back. I also don't really want to fully let him go and accept the fact that it will never happen. I keep holding on even though I know that's so much more damaging than surrendering him into the hands of God. I'm really sorry that I hurt him. I'm still on the broken but healing journey. Every now and then, the cracks show themselves. Somewhere along the line, I'm going to have to let Jesus put my heart back together so that it can be offered wholly to a man, but I'm not ready yet. I'm still learning to love.

Week 20 ~ Blenheim & Masterton // Miracles

My God is a God of miracles. I don't believe this just because I've read about it in the Bible and heard it said in church... I myself have witnessed it, and been an ambassador for God's miraculous work.

Here's an exciting story from tour during my time in Masterton...

"Tonight my billets daughter has friends over for her birthday. They're currently in the lounge having pre drinks before going to town. My billet mum and I just got home from being out watching a movie and we were chatting in the kitchen as I made a hot choc. One of the guys came out and started talking to my billet. He mentioned he had stuffed his knee and needed surgery. Straight away I felt in my heart that I should pray for him. I shot a quick prayer up and God said YES. The conversation changed topic, veering away from his injury and continued for a while. I thought I might have missed my opportunity and wasn't going to get the chance to pray for him but God, being the good guy He is, brought the subject back to his knee. I stepped out on the nudge and said, "Hey could I pray for your knee? Because I believe in healing." He said yes please and so I got him to sit down. I put my hand on his knee and started praying, thanking God for this guys life, welcoming the Holy Spirit, and then asking in the name of Jesus for healing. I felt something under my hand physically shift and I asked if he felt it too to which he said YES! then I asked the Holy Spirit to do even more and asked if he felt hot and he said "Yes I'm sweating, what the heck is happening?! This is weird!" I got him to put his hands out and receive and just kept praying whatever God gave me to say. My billet was there speaking in tongues too. The Presence was so thick and I truly believed he would not need surgery - God had worked a miracle! Our prayer drew to a close and he was buzzing out to the daaaays. (Which I know wasn't from the alcohol because he was there as sober driver) After this experience, I was sitting in my room and I heard him go back to the group and straight up tell all of them what happened! He was raving about how cool it was and saying he'd never experienced something like that in his whole life."

The point of sharing this story is to say that God speaks and when we listen and act on His words, radical things happen!

See I can't settle for a regular life anymore. I've tasted of the supernatural, I've seen Jesus do impossible things. Anyone who's walked away from God and Christianity because it was "boring" has missed so much of what God intended for us as His children. Friends, we have full access to the Kingdom of God, we just need to listen to His voice and step into the freedom that's available.

Week 19 ~ Timaru // Porridge

So, I tried to write a blog post for my time in Timaru on at least three separate occasions and never came up with anything. I can very vividly remember some of the feelings I had going on and a couple of situations that made living as a God girl not the easiest road to be on during this week, but none of that felt fitting for this blog. But then, I remembered! I know exactly what I need to write about now...

PORRIDGE.

Yes. You read that correctly! Welcome to story time with Sonya Cossey...

I was billeted with my sis Ari and our host mother was this lovely old Grandma who lived by herself. She was an interesting character and very talkative. We spent every dinner time hearing her stories from the past and the things God had taught her over the years. There's nothing much that I could complain about from my stay with her... Except for breakfasts.

Living on the road, touring, performing you've got to eat well to have the energy you need. Breakfast is so important in this context because every day is physically challenging. Well, little ol Grandma on the night we arrived asked if we'd be happy with porridge for breakfast the next day. Now, at this point in the story you need to know that for me, porridge was always my Sunday morning brekky growing up. During the week it was normal cereals and toast but on SUNDAY, we had yummy hot porridge with brown sugar and cream. This was such a beautiful thing and so naturally I was very excited at the prospect of porridge for breakfast!

The next morning I wake up and there it is, ready for me. It's sitting on the table steaming hot, calling for me to delve in and enjoy. Unfortunately there wasn't any cream but I supposed milk would suffice, at least there was brown sugar. And so, a small amount of sugar sprinkled on top and a dash of milk, I picked up my spoon and the porridge went towards my mouth, it hit my taste buds and... EW. YUCK. NOPE. EW. EW. EW. UGH!

What was this?! How could something taste so bad?! Maybe I was mistaken. Try again.... NOPE. STILL TERRIBLE. What was that taste? I couldn't figure it out for a moment but then it hit me. SALT. That's what I was tasting! That was the monstrosity behind this! It was all I could taste. Not the milk, not the oats, just straight up salt. I didn't think I could eat a tiny bit more of this, just two mouthfuls in. But Grandma had made it for me. It'd be so rude not to and I'd be starving all morning if I didn't and so I tried adding some more sugar... And more sugar... And maybe just a little more sugar... But alas, this did not remedy it. I struggled through the bowl, wanting to spit it out and dreading every next mouthful. Finally, it was done. I resolved that no matter how awkward it might be, I could not put myself through that same distasteful experience tomorrow. I would simply mention that I preferred it without salt and that'd be fine. It was just a matter of preference after all.

And so the next morning came, I walked out into the kitchen and was ready to politely ask for no salt in my portion but what I found was not a good start. The microwave jugs were set out with the oats AND SALT already in them. Right then, Grandma bustled in and set about readying the breakfast. She was about to cook the porridge but then vocalised, "Oh, I don't think I put the salt in." And heaps another HUGE spoon into each of the jugs... THE HORROR! I now had before me not just the same feat as yesterday, but a double-salted bowl of nightmares. I don't think I can cope with describing eating it the second time. Let's just say it made for a great video on Ari's Snapchat story. (Which she later showed me and I was horrified at the disgusted look on my face, although it was rather hilarious)

By day three I had no hope but at least I was mentally prepared for the struggle ahead of me. Envision me walking into the kitchen, downcast and dreading what awaited me. There I am, I see the microwave jugs on the bench. I look inside them and... PRAISE THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, THERE'S NOTHING IN THEM! She hadn't got it ready like the mornings before, and I was absolutely free to make my own porridge with 0% salt in it! Oh, the joy! I was so glad to have a breakfast that wasn't filled with torture and disgust.

Okay, so maybe in my story-telling I exaggerate a little... But what can I say, I am a drama major after all! If I'm going to draw something out of this painful yet entertaining story, I guess it's the reality that sometimes things are really not as we expect them to be. Our past leads us to have preconceptions of the things we later encounter and at times those expectations we hold come crashing down in bitter disappointment. And yet, with a slight change of ingredients, we can restore the unpleasant back to the wonderful.

Don't allow others to pollute your experiences with unwanted saltiness, and may your porridge forever be something of warmth, comfort, and happy fuzzy feelings!

Week 18 ~ Dunedin // Weakness

"I am tired, I am drained
But the fight in me remains
I am weary, I am worn
Like I’ve never been before

This is harder than I thought
Harder than I thought it’d be
Taking every part of me
So much harder than I thought it’d be
But empty’s never felt so full

This is what love feels like
Poured out, used up, still giving,
stretching me out to the end of my limits
This is what real love feels like
Poured out, used up still willing to fight for it
This is what love feels like

Like floating confetti
The beautiful gets messy
When the fall out finds the floor
But in the depths of the trenches
Is the richest of riches
Love is calling us to more

It’s worth everything you put in...
Love"

//  Love Feels Like by TobyMac ft. DC Talk

Above describes me in week 18 of EXCEL Performing Arts Tour 2015. In my last post I wrote about some lows I experienced in week 17. Well... The lows got lower and Dunedin is when I hit my rock bottom.

Monday 31st August
I read a verse that said "Those who wept as they went out carrying the seed will come back singing for joy, as they bring in the harvest." Psalm 126:6 When I wrote this in my journal, I don't think I realised just how prophetic that would be for the coming week! As I went about my work for the Lord I would cry many times and find the task very hard but would later be joyful for the fruit I know it grew for the Kingdom.

Thursday 3rd September
"I feel weary this evening. I'm tired of tour and the huge emotional toll it's taking. I want to stay positive for these last few weeks but it's jolly hard and I'm struggling to keep my head up."

Friday 4th September
"I've got nothing left, God. What happens on that stage has to be YOU. Work in me."

Sunday the 6th of September
"This morning I broke down just before the show. Steve and Kevin prayed for me but I knew that if I got on that stage it would be all God and 0% me because I was weak and utterly empty."

...So there's a peek at how my week looked! Sorry if this freaks you out. I know this isn't the kind of attitude you usually promote of yourself. We have things like Facebook and Instagram these days that we tend to just post the good stuff on. We make our lives look happy and glorious, letting others see the pictures we like of ourselves and telling of our accomplishments, anniversaries and celebrations. Well, here's a look at how not perfect I am. A view of how not easy tour was. A public declaration that I could not go on by myself, I did not have the strength, I was not self-sufficient and certainly was not capable of perfection.

HOWEVER!!! (And praise God that there is a however...)

My sweet Jesus saved the day when He said,

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

And so,

"Now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Week 17 ~ Invercargill // Highs and Lows

Invercargill was a combination of brilliant and terrible. There were some great moments, such as going to Bluff - southernmost town in New Zealand - for the first time. And being billeted with 8 of my team mates which was a good bonding time with fun games and movie evenings. Oh and collecting pretty stones and watching a very unique sunset at the beach was lovely. But although there were some beautiful moments throughout this week, there were also some really tough times towards the end of it. Our tour manager received news of a family death, it was unexpected and the team grieved with him. I was so tired and it hit me pretty hard. I started to feel homesick for my family and really over the tour lifestyle.

Getting out of bed on those freezing Southern mornings is really difficult but you just have no choice. The team depends on you, the tour depends on you, there's no room to just stay in bed and call a sick day. You just have to push through by God's grace and truly His GRACE was evident. Because I will admit that in a few instances I chose to not listen to God's voice throughout this week. I love God, passionately. And I was waking up in the mornings saying, "Lord, I can't do this without you!" But even amidst that, I know I made choices that didn't truly honour His Word and where He wanted to lead me. I praise God for His goodness in still being by my side even when I filled my mind with my own dreams instead of His, when I pursued my own pleasures rather than those of the Kingdom, when I sat on the fence instead of making a solid decision on the road I knew was right.

I feel a pang of disappointment in myself looking back.

I know I made wrong decisions.

I realise how that changed things moving forward.

Even so, one cannot change their past. They can, however, learn from those mistakes and resolve to not make those same ones again.

It was not my most glamorous time on tour that's for sure... But I know I learnt a lot from it all and in the end, life is a lot about being a learner!

To go out on a positive note - my friends were there for me one hundred percent in my weakness. I finally found the bravery to tell my sisters that tour had shown me how broken I was and when I did, they supported and encouraged me. When I was homesick my brothers hugged me and prayed for me. When I didn't know how to go on the most unexpected person spoke words of life and truth and affirmation over me. Another friend opened up and trusted me with their own struggles which blessed me to know I could be there for them too and we could help each other.

The people walking alongside you really do make a difference through life's highs and lows!

Week 16 ~ Christchurch // Church and Christ

One of my very favourite memories from the entire tour happened in this week! We had a bit of a drive to do from Nelson down to Christchurch. It was so beautiful and even though I was tired and wanted to sleep I stayed awake to watch out the window as we drove. The best part though was when we just came through the Lewis Pass and pulled over to have our first SNOW ENCOUNTER! An immediate war ensued with snow balls being flung everywhere, ice shoved down each others' tops, smack cams, absolute chaos! It was honestly such a fun time and it made me really grateful for the family I found in this bunch of people.

I've mentioned before that we have the blessing of getting to hear from different pastors and leaders throughout our time on tour. It's great having input from various points of view and hearing how God speaks through people. In Christchurch, Elim Church wanted to put on an evening of teaching, worship and prayer for us to just enjoy and be filled and be prayed for etc. It was a very valuable time, the pastor there brought a word, the music was refreshing and many of us enjoyed it. However, at the end of the evening I wasn't a ball of joy bouncing around praising Jesus. In fact I was kind of the opposite. I sat on my chair at the end lost in thoughts. Why? I was challenged. I didn't feel excited, I felt confused. I felt tension, not peace. I went home that evening and wrote to God,

"Sometimes I wish we could just go to church, get our joy-fix and go home Spirit-filled and ready to take on life with boldness, excitement and care-free minds... But what I'm finding is as I actually choose to listen to what God is saying through the pastor, I'm challenged. I walk away thinking deeply and wrestling against things. I'm sometimes confused or deeply moved or still searching. A quick prayer or praise song at the end doesn't change it. I must now journey though the issue the Holy Spirit has shown me. Following Jesus is not easy."

Very often I leave church feeling on top of the world, but actually choosing to follow Christ isn't all a warm, fuzzy time. I think it's super important to allow ourselves to be challenged. To ask the big questions of ourselves. Where is your heart at with Jesus? Do your thoughts and actions align? Are you willing to say yes to God even when you don't like what He's telling you to do or not do?

Living for God does bring much joy, a joy indescribable, set in the very depths of my soul. But it brings also conviction and a desire to live in a way that honours and glorifies my King. In those times I must remember that I'm not working through my issues alone. Jesus understands and the Holy Spirit is helping me to see things through Heaven's eyes.

"Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like." James 1:22-24 MSG

Week 15 ~ Nelson // Knight In Shining Armour

There was anticipation as we headed onto the ferry to float across the Cook Strait and bring our messages of using our creativity, positive thinking, and self-control through the Holy Spirit to the South Islanders of Aotearoa. This was one of those times when I took a breath and realised how blessed I was to be living this life - doing what I love while impacting people's lives in little and big ways. It was a total privilege to be on EXCEL Tour, what a journey! 

The ferry ride was great, I saw dolphins for the first time which was wonderful. Some of the team were sick but we all made it across alive. It was a stunning day in Picton and I enjoyed a sea side lunch at a cafe. Then we drove along the scenic route to our first South Island stop - Nelson. 

The first thing I have to comment on is how beautiful the Nelson region is. As we drove around to our different show venues we were blown away by God's handiwork. A really stunning spot was Kaiteriteri beach. We had a special time there baptising three of our team members in the bright blue water and worshipping on the speckled orange sand. 

On Saturday night we headed out to Motueka for what would be a very eventful night. Alex Hannah, a dude who went to EXCEL and then was a tutor there for a while, hosted us at his church for an evening of ministry. He talked about how God would speak to us through the theme of our tour and also encouraged us saying that our team was something special and noted our unity. We spent some time singing worship and Alex sang an original song about being God's sons and daughters which I found really beautiful and it really resonated with my spirit. As I stood there soaking in the song I began to cry and I realised something very significant, that I am just a broken girl desperately in need of a Saviour and friend in Jesus. Next Alex opened it up to pray Heaven down on people. Everyone had a turn standing in the middle receiving an out pour of the Holy Spirit. We were encouraged and prophesied over. I was led to the middle and I just stood there. Someone put my hands out to receive. It was a really powerful time and some very cool words were spoken out over me. I think what hit me most though, was when Alex said God knows my desires and He will be the knight in shining armour I've always dreamed of. He sees my heart and He will be gentle with me. I was sobbing by this point as I felt an assurance that God was right there for me being everything I needed and more. The Holy Spirit flooded over me and my whole body just relaxed into His love and the people around me carefully lowered me down onto the ground. I lay there being held by God and breathing in the words that had been said. As I thought everything over I just felt God say to every question and comment I had, "I know, I know, I know." What a joy and peace that brought! 

I didn't come out of tour with a boyfriend. I am yet to meet my earthly knight in shining armour. But it was so relevant having this word that God knows my desires and will be everything I've ever dreamed of. God sees me. He understands me. He showers me with affection and never lets me forget how crazy about me He is. God holds my hand when I'm scared and embraces me when I'm unsure. God tells me how beautiful I am and He listens to my dreams, ideas, and questions. He laughs at my jokes and makes me smile constantly. He's protective and yet lets me take risks. He teaches me new things and helps me understand life. God is so good to me. 

"In Him we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28

Week 14 ~ Wellington // Hometown

WELLINGTON! Home! ... Home?

It was exciting coming into Wellington week and getting to perform for whanau and friends down there. But at the same time I was unsure if I was really coming "home" after moving to Auckland.

Something I struggled with in this week was that my team members on a few occasions asked me if we were going to perform at my school, forgetting that this chick was homeschooled! I thought I'd properly dealt with my insecurities around this. Around age 14 I had the realisation that God's plan for me is unique and intentional and that included being homeschooled even though that was sometimes hard being different among my friends. But somehow people asking, expecting, assuming we were going to my school sparked some doubt or unrest in me. Thinking about it now, maybe it was jealousy because I'd seen how cool it was for my friends going back to their schools being recognized for following their passions and praised for touring the country with it.

My upbringing was so different. All the time people relate to their past experiences, "Oh remember this from high school?" About their classes, the school ball, the friend circles, the teachers, the arts, the sports, the leadership positions... I don't have those same reference points. But I'm not complaining. I'm so so grateful for the life I've had. I see the reasons my Mum chose homeschooling and although it makes it hard to relate to others experiences, I'm pretty sure I avoided a lot of not so easy environments and situations because of it.

One evening of Wellington week we went along to Awaken Church Youth and did a Q&A with them and spent some time worshipping. During worship I was thinking over my life and seeing how God has protected and looked after me and allowed me to learn so much about Him and this life without having to go through a lot of pain or heartbreak or grief. Seeing how Jesus had been not just an antidote but a preventative in my life, I penned these words which helped me to process, accept, and move on in gratefulness...

Depth, breath, life you give
Freedom, redemption, paid for my sin
Renewed, alive, surely set free
Hope, identity, a place for me
Rescued from what could have been
Protected, accepted from the very beginning.

Week 13 ~ Kapiti Coast // Vibrancy

It is so wonderful when you see the words God speaks over your life come into fruition! At the start of the year my friend had a word for me about my heart being made of playdough and that God was re-shaping it. You can read more about that in my post Playdough Heart (March 2015). I was a bit nervous about what that meant and how He was going to do that but as the year went on, it started to make sense...

Arriving in Kapiti we had the pastors of our host church have us for some ministry time. They took the time to go around and pray for every one of us. As Philippa prayed for me, she felt that I was going to step into a new freshness and a VIBRANCY and freedom that I hadn't before allowed. This excited me so much because I really wanted to let go and enjoy the experience and be myself more. A few of the girls were chatting and sharing afterwards and I told them what had been prayed over me. The next day I received this text:

"Hey sis! Just wanted to encourage you and let you know that you're growing so much in God. I noticed it in Palmy last week. I don't know but there's something different. A good different. I can't describe it other than it being more of God. I can see it sis and I really want to encourage you with that word you got. Don't forget it. I'm so excited to see more of you unfold. Love you."

This is when I realised the connection between the two... Because not only did I feel different, but people were noticing the changes God made in me! It was being shown in a new freedom of being myself, letting go of fears and insecurities, dealing with my flaws and shortcomings and understanding more of who God created me to be.

Throughout the week I was jamming a song by Jimmy Needham called Nice Guy. The bridge of the song was like a testament to my new discoveries. It goes like this:

"I never knew I could just be me
Now I'm never going back to what I used to be
What a relief it is to be free
Now I'm never going back to what I used to be."

YES and amen!

"[Jesus said] I have come that you might have life, and life to the fullest." John 10:10

Week 12 ~ Palmerston North // New Season

Second half of tour felt like a fresh start, a new season. I had a think back over the past eleven weeks and thought about what I would do differently in this second half. One thing I decided for sure was that I was going to have more fun! I did enjoy the first part but as I've touched on in previous posts, I became very work focused and set on "doing a good job" of it. I felt the need to just chill out, be a bit more flexible, and give myself room to breathe. The other thing I was praying for was strengthened relationships. I had made connections with my team but I still felt a bit distant and like I didn't really have deep friendships like others did. I wanted to intentionally invest more in the people and be more open with them.

We kicked off tour part 2 in Palmy and it was a fabulous start! It was a different tone this time because we had the energy and excitement like the start of tour but this time we knew how it worked, the routines, the dynamics so it was just great.

I stayed with the most beautiful family who had two sweet daughters aged 4 and 7. I loved seeing how their Mum knew them so well individually and how their Dad would play and learn and shower them with love when he got home from work. I had some lovely conversations with them throughout the week and it was a privilege to hear their stories of God's guidance and provision in their family. It was so much fun playing with the girls too namely with princess Lego. They called us (me and Ari) their big sisters and were sad when we left at the end of the week.

Sunday night show at LIFE Church was my favourite church show of the entire tour. The buzz and joy of life there was massive. My team led worship and it was wonderful. I got to do the rap in This Is Living which was cool... always surprises the crowd a bit when a short white girl with glasses pops up rapping her face off hahaha. Then our programme went well too, I was ecstatic over the dramas. It was so good to perform again and worship God through my art. To top off the evening the church put on a mean feed for dinner which included meat pie and chocolate fondue so we left with happy hearts and happy tummies!

I came to the end of this week really quite excited for what was to follow in the next 9 weeks on the road. I felt alive and ready but also with a touch of nervousness to keep me on my toes. I had to walk forward remembering my vision for this year -

E whakaatu ana i te aroha o te Atua ki te iwi o Aotearoa // Showing the love of God to the people of New Zealand

Mid Year Break // Rest

Sunday July 5th, Journal entry:

"Never been so happy to be HOME! My, oh my, what a journey the past 11 weeks have been. So grateful to now rest and revive before heading South with God's Word. Thankyou, Daddy. Praising you always for your goodness and for making this life possible. I love you. Amene."

It was such a relief to have all the weight of tour just fall off my shoulders for two sweet weeks of holiday! A rest was greatly needed. I spent the first week in Auckland and the second back in Upper Hutt which worked really nicely getting to see family and a couple of friends. I got to meet my second niece, Miss Cara Anne Hagen. She is simply beautiful and I was lucky enough to meet her at only 4 days old! The break gave me a chance to sleeeeeeeeeep AND dig into God's Word in a bigger way.

One day I read this quote by Corrie ten Boom, she said, "If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within you'll be depressed. But if you look at Christ, you'll be at rest!" If I'd spent my break looking at how big the world is and feeling scared of my future I would have found myself stressed out, anxious and panicky... If I'd spent my break looking within myself I probably would have felt lonely without my tour fam or insecure at not having responsibility... But I chose instead to put my eyes on Jesus throughout my time off and to spend time doing healthy things, feeding on the Bible and seeking Him. This resulted in me having a really restful two weeks. It wasn't a lazy time, but a peaceful one.

Week 11 ~ Whangarei // Friendship

Ahhhhhh friendship, one of life's greatest blessings and challenges rolled into one!

In Whangarei I was able to stay with my good friend Becky for the week rather than being billeted by one of the churches. Honestly it was such a blessing. We're talking week ELEVEN of tour so saying, "I was tired." Would be the biggest understatement. Staying at a friend's house was so relaxing and comforting and also fun. It was refreshing to have someone else to talk to about how tour was going, my emotional and spiritual journey etc.

My favourite thing was the times we prayed together throughout the week.

I guess I'm at a time of life where friendships are all a little up in the air because the people I know and myself... we're all trying to find our place in this world. That means we move away, we get jobs or study or travel overseas - everything's changing. Sometimes the people you're close to change with that too but it's beautiful to know that God will always provide the people you need around you in each season of life. Even when it feels like we have no one, He's there, He knows our needs.

"Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help them up." Ecclesiastes 4:9

Week 10 ~ Kaikohe // Bush Walking and God Talking

I'm thinking back and reflecting on my time in Kaikohe and finding it quite hard to choose a focus point for this blog post as there are so many things I could write about from this week... If we find ourselves in discussion sometime you may want to ask me what else I learnt within this week and I will gladly share stories but for now, I've chosen to write about stepping out and giving yourself space to be with God.

It was a stunning, bright, sunny winters day and three of the girls and I had taken a car out to Haruru Falls for a little sightseeing trip. The waterfall wasn't actually that impressive... but we took photos there and enjoyed the drive. I noticed that there was a bush track and went to read the info sign. I found that it was the Waitangi Trail which was a two hour walk. I absolutely love bush walks and with our busy tour schedule I hadn't really got to do anything of the sorts in a long time. I expressed my interest to the others but alas, walking for a couple hours was not what they had in mind for their afternoon off. They were keen to go back into town and watch a movie. Personally, that was the last thing I wanted to do on such a beautiful day. I suggested that I stay and do the walk then get picked up after the movie. My friends weren't too fond of that idea, concerned about my safety and not wanting to leave me alone. But something in my spirit just longed for this adventure. A chance to step out, do something I love, and be a bit spontaneous for a change. Besides, I knew I wouldn't be going alone, this was a date with my Jesus. I wasn't afraid, I prayed and felt like God was right there with me so I reassured my friends and they headed off, making me promise to keep in text contact so they knew I was okay. And then, I set off! Embarking on a journey through gorgeous Northland Bush beside the river, sometimes in the shade of trees and other times in the bright warm sunshine. I had a marvelous time! I was in awe of the scenery and had a heart ready to burst with joy. I talked with God as we walked along, having conversations about life and love, my past and my future, all sorts of things really. I got to the other end of the track and found a little cafe to sit and have a drink and bite to eat and not long later I was picked up and we went and performed a show that evening.

I suppose what I did was a little risky... but I just felt that I needed that little break. Being out in the fresh air, in Creation, seeing sights I'd never experienced before and may never see again, it was so refreshing.

There are so many opportunities in our lives but I think far too often we choose the safe route. We'd rather go with the flow and follow suit than to step out and be different. There are times when it's important to spend time with your friends and make connections and be included... but even more important is your relationship with God. Have you had endless conversations and catch ups with mates but neglected quality time with your Heavenly Daddy? Maybe you need to set aside some time to just be with Him. To talk, laugh, cry, soak in His Presence, create something together, worship, whatever! Your time spent with Jesus is so valuable and although there's a whole array of other things you could be doing... Nothing else is more worth your hours, minutes, seconds. I can assure you!

Week 9 ~ Auckland // Focus

One of the hardest weeks of tour, hands down! The whole Auckland stint was so intense just with the amount of schools and particularly the distance between everything. Tiredness, lack of communication, and I think familiarity of the place led to a bit of downfall among our team in Auckland. We lacked the focus and unity we had built up. Literal thank God that we found it again as time progressed but we did have some tense days, short tempers, and heavy emotions at this point.

MY main struggle was in my desire for professionalism. A lot of the basics went out the window as people got tired or couldn't be bothered. Simple things like: bringing food and water, staying quiet side of stage, keeping humour and language clean, choosing not to gossip, wearing our tees and costumes in schools. Honestly I got so frustrated at people and the messy state our team was in. I didn't understand why these common sense things weren't happening or why things were all so slack and I started getting angry and upset over it.

I remember one show in particular where I had just had enough of trying to encourage my teammates. I was totally over it. What was the point? Nothing ever changed. They continued to make those choices and so I bowed out, took myself to a corner and shut up. It was that night that I realised I had let this stuff get to me... I had gone overboard. The perfectionist in me was strangling the life and fun out of everything I did. It was at the point where I even felt angry and bitter when my friends were laughing and having a good time. I'd be thinking, "This is our job, this is our responsibility, can you not take it seriously for one minute!?!?!" Writing this now I cringe at myself and feel sorry for my friends who had to put up with that attitude of mine - sincere apologies, friends. BUT I am very glad that God showed me how yuck that way of thinking was because although I still maintained high standards, I also began to learn to have more fun and to let go and not get so stressed over the little things of life.

One way God brought me back to reality and out of that narrow mind set I had going on was through inspiring a 14 or 15 yr old boy named Luke. We had a mid-week evening youth event on the North Shore and afterwards when people were just chilling I had withdrawn from the group and gone back into the auditorium. There I noticed a boy holding an icepack on his head and I felt Holy Spirit prompt me to pray for him. The pain in his head decreased significantly and his blurry vision came back to 100% clarity - praise God! After I'd prayed I was sharing with him a bit of my journey especially with praying for healing. This young man then thanked me, not for the actual healing, but for the bravery to step out and pray for it. He told me he often wants to do that type of thing but holds back. I just saw so much faith, maturity and potential in young Luke. This experience really touched me because it was like God was saying, "See, Sonya, these are the moments that make it worth it. Never mind all the little details, THIS is what matters." I hope Luke took courage from that and was inspired to step out. Who knows how far the ripple effect will reach!

Another really special moment for me from this week was after performing at Sacred Heart College - a 1600 strong all boys school - I was standing at the back of the hall beside my principal, John, and he turns to me and says, "You know you really have grown, Sonya. When you arrived at EXCEL last year you were like a little girl. Up on that stage I saw you as a young woman." Cue the tears! Words like that from someone I so admire and respect really meant the world.

So despite the difficulties and all my growling, complaining, telling off and general grumpiness... I learnt some very important lessons and took some real treasures away from week 9. 

Week 8 ~ Auckland // Who I Am

If you've seen pictures of my team you'll know that majority are Maori & Polynesian. I myself am New Zealand/European with my ancestors all coming from England, so I am thoroughly white! I've had a very European up-bringing and so when I came to EXCEL it would be fair to say I encountered a bit of culture shock! This was a bit of a struggle for me even within my tight-knit team this year. It's not easy to be the minority. New Zealand is my home country and yet there were times throughout this year when I felt like I didn't belong, I felt awkward, uncomfortable. I'm not sure how much of those feelings were truth versus just something made up or exaggerated in my mind but it wasn't nice. It wasn't that people were being outright racist or prejudiced at all I just felt like I didn't fit, and that feeling led me to start doubting...

I began to doubt who I was, ask questions, and judge others' thoughts. For example, "I'll never fit in with this crowd. I can try as much as I like but it'll never happen." "They have no idea what it's like to be me." "Why is it that you're 'cool' and I'm not?" "God, why have you put me here, I'm no use." "These people can't relate to me." "Oh so you'll accept me if I make an effort to know your culture but if not I don't matter?" "If I don't feel comfortable in my homeland, where can I be?" "It's unfair that you have your cultural traditions, language etc AND mine." "I don't even know what my 'culture' is." etc

The reason this is the theme of week 8 is that it was our South side week and the school audiences were predominately Maori and/or Polynesian. As an MC for these shows, there were times when I stood on that stage talking to the audience and felt awkward, judged, and like people weren't listening to a single word I said. Then the Maori and Samoans get on stage and the crowd is fully engaged, excited, cheeeeeeehooooooo'ing... It all just left me feeling a bit deflated and those doubts about who I am settled in. Most of my life I've been very confident about myself and who God created me to be but the new situations I found myself in brought up all those questions and left me confused. 

We came to another Sunday show and it was at Life Church Manurewa - an all-Samoan church. I felt nervous about it but as I prepared for the show I felt God remind me to speak words of truth over myself. This may sound weird or cheesy, but I literally stood in front of a mirror before our show and said, "Sonya, God created you with intention. Your ancestry, your culture, your skin colour are no mistake. You were designed by a loving God for a specific purpose. Live for that. Live in confidence. Be YOU."

One of the songs in our Sunday programme was Who I Am by Blanca. I'd heard it every week of tour and all throughout rehearsals, but it had never hit me like it did that day... The words washed over me and a new freedom was found. Here's a link to have a listen for yourself... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oZuNkT7_UM

The main line of the song says "Because I know who's I am, I know who I am." I was struggling with understanding myself and being amongst a group of people who were so very different to me but because I know that I am God's daughter, I know I am loved just for being ME. 

Something I've learnt is that each and every culture or ethnic group displays a part of God that no one else does, as we are ALL made in His image. We hold a part of who God is and even though our differences sometimes separate us, God's love can unite us. I am thankful that I was pushed outside of my comfort zone, for it gave me reason to consider, to question, to explore who I am and why God made me the way He did. I think it's healthy to wrestle with the big questions of life and who we are and the people group we belong to is definitely included in that. I can now walk forward in confidence believing I was made this way for a reason. 

I hope you're on a journey to loving who you are too. 

Week 7 ~ Auckland // Faith Over Feeling

In my last post I talked about how awesome camp was in week 6. I expected to come out of camp on a total Spiritual high, feeling empowered and equipped and ready to take on the world for Jesus! That, however, was not the case. During the weekend in Taupo and then throughout the next week my relationship with God felt hollow. For me, this was extremely unsettling and really quite terrifying. 

I was asking myself the question "How can I perform shows to encourage others in their faith when I feel so out of touch with God?" The circumstances and things around us are always changing, and that was especially true on tour, everything's unpredictable. But the one thing I always feel sure in is my faith, knowing that at anytime I can call out to God and He'll answer me. Throughout this time, that one certainty in my life disappeared and it left me at a loss. I was all topsy-turvey - I'd be praising Him in worship and then just suddenly stop, stand still and not be able to sense His Presence. I'd be stepping out praying for people one moment and then withdrawing to a corner and isolating myself the next. 

At first I didn't know how to tell anyone what I was going through because I didn't understand it and that scared me. When I did try and talk it out I couldn't even adequately explain because I didn't know if this was just an emotional thing or if it was an attack from Satan or what. I was deflated. 

On the Sunday night in Taupo I was praying and crying out to God wondering where He was. That prayer looked something like this, "GOD I AM UPSET. We had amazing shows this morning and especially tonight. People were prophesied over, people became followers of Jesus, Your Holy Spirit was touching hearts... and yet I feel this emptiness still. Where was my breakthrough? Why don't you give someone a word for me or even just prayer? How come even though I know I can reach out to you, I don't or can't. This whole week has been a Spiritual roller coaster and I don't know where to go from here. I am lost."

Arriving in Auckland on Monday the 1st of June I decided to open up the Word For You Today. The verse for the day was Isaiah 8:17 - "The Lord has hidden Himself... but I trust Him." A paragraph in the devotional said this, 'If a relationship with God was just fuzzy feelings during our favourite songs, we'd never grow up. God is still with you even when you don't 'feel' Him. Perhaps He's prioritising your trust over your emotions. Faith, not feelings, is what pleases God. Remember, God says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5' I scribbled in the bottom of my journal that day, "God, I still love you and want to live as your daughter even in this weird Spiritual time I'm in right now..."

This weirdness continued throughout the week and I can't pin-point when it stopped. There was no specific moment when I went "Oh THERE you are God!" It was just as I took on that principle of faith over feelings and persevered in Bible reading, praying, and serving that somewhere along the line, the peace in my relationship came back and I felt close and intimate with God again. 

If you're at a place where you can't FEEL God or you're scared because your faith is being rocked or challenged... HOLD ON! We all face those times and I can say it freaked me out when I hit that bump in the road but even though it drove me to sobbing some days, feeling no emotion other days, lashing out, withdrawing, and all sorts of reactions, the number one thing that season did was strengthen my trust in God. It's a hard journey we're on... But who said living by faith would be easy? 

Week 6 ~ Taupo // Mistakes

Mistakes... Something I do not deal with all too well... There must be something built into me, an inner perfectionist or a self-driven expectation over myself, I don't know what but for some reason I really HATE making mistakes. Whether that  be in a performance, in baking a cake, or something deeper like hurting a friend. When I mess up I don't take it lightly. In some situations this is a good thing because it means I really strive for the best. BUT it can also be quite damaging and have a negative effect too. It must have been heading that way too often because God decided to do some work on this part of who I am...

From Monday - Thursday in week 6 we had EXCEL Camp. It was one of the absolute highlights of Tour. The team along with all the first year students met up at Mi Camp in Taupo to build relationships, connect with God, and spend time learning and having a heap of fun. Something that's become a big focus at EXCEL is God-Conversations. We spent quite a bit of time at camp learning about this and actually taking our own time to talk with God. A privilege for me was that our principal John asked me to speak at one of the sessions about my experience with this so I got to share some stories from on Tour where I'd heard from God and acted on His words. But stories aside, God had new things to say to me this week...

Leading up to camp I'd been meditating on the idea of Freedom. Both the freedom we'll have in Heaven and what we experience here on Earth too. A lot of the time I've felt restricted or held back in who I am which I think is connected to being bound by the pressures of perfection. I believe that isn't what God wants for me living as His daughter. So given the opportunity, I questioned Him...

Me: God, let's just jump straight in... how do I get to that freedom? I don't know the answer so you're really gonna have to talk... Okay I know you're just gonna say "I'm always talking."
God: Good, so you're LEARNING. That's the answer. To experience freedom, come to the revelation that you will always be a learner. That means you can't always get it right or there would be no space for improvement.
"Jesus grew both in body and in wisdom, gaining favour with God and people." 
Luke 2:52
Me: Question, can you make mistakes without sinning? Like... did Jesus make mistakes?
God: Yes.
Me: Wait, WHAT?!
God: He grew in body and wisdom. GREW. He learnt. As you must learn.

I sat and just looked at those words in my journal for what felt like ages. This is probably the most profound thing I have learnt in my walk with God so far... It suddenly made sense. For my whole life I had this picture of Jesus that said he lived a PERFECT life so He must have never messed up or looked silly or got anything wrong ever. But this revelation flipped that for me. Jesus never sinned. I'm not saying He did. I'm just proposing that as humans, including Christ in His human form, we can make mistakes and it still be a positive thing because from it we grow and learn.

Come the end of camp, the first years headed back to Auckland but the tour team went into Taupo to do some shows. The first school we rock up to, I'm doing the MCing as per usual and I get to the part where I promote our youth show. Usually these shows are free or ticketed at $7 but this one was a gold coin donation. I go to tell my audience of a few hundred students this but what proceeds from my lips is, "We'd love to see you there it's just a cold goin donation." ... Cold goin ... COLD GOIN. What the heck?!?! I came off stage and to my complete shock, I cracked up laughing!!! Usually I'd be kicking myself and finding a hole to crawl into and not appear again until my self pity party had died out but not this time! What God had shown me had moved something in my heart and I was able to see the silly in my mistake and know that I wasn't a failure because of it. Praise Him!

To be honest I haven't totally conquered this area yet. There have been many times since then when I've gotten highly upset over missing the mark. Whether it was in a show, my exam results, or regretting the way I've acted toward someone, I know God has me on a journey with this one and His Holy Spirit is making me more sensitive to how I react. Being human means I'll never be perfect. I've got to stop being disgusted by that and let it be a comfort to me in knowing it's okay to make mistakes.

Week 5 ~ New Plymouth // Unexpected

Wow. New Plymouth was my hardest week of tour so far. But looking back, also my favourite! Up until this week I hadn't had a host family that I really connected with. Like they were all great people and looked after me fine, but I kept hearing stories from team mates who had families they just super clicked with. At the end of the week they would be totally gutted to say goodbye and I'm sad to say, that just hadn't been the case with me. UNTIL NEW PLYMOUTH! I was billeted with Oli and Ari and we stayed with a wonderful lady named Jennie. She was from England and had a gorgeous home. This woman had such a big impact on me. We didn't see her a lot, but I really tried to spend as much time having conversations with her as I could. Jennie is involved in so many things to help and support other people and I just adored hearing her stories of ministry both at home and overseas. Sadly her husband passed away a few years ago but she is still living life to the full with Jesus shining through her in a way that inspired and uplifted me.

This was a big encouragement in what was an otherwise really difficult week. We received some very sad and unexpected news that Roxette's granddad had passed away. I turned up to our first New Plymouth school show on the Tuesday and our tour manager said to me that Rox wasn't going to be able to perform and I needed to figure out how to cover her in the drama. I did some quick praying and thinking and managed to cut my character out of the scene and morph her into the character Rox plays and so effectively did both parts. We had three school shows this day so I got up there and did my best. It was pretty hectic considering I'm also an MC in schools, meaning between every song or two I'm onstage talking. I was shattered by the end of the day but the team said I did well.

That evening it was confirmed that Rox would head up north for her Koro's tangi (funeral). Once we'd said bye to her, the weight really fell on me. I got pretty emotional and overwhelmed. As a drama major, I take a lot of responsibility for the dramas to be up to scratch. I was scared and nervous for our Friday youth concert and having to manage covers and re-working some pieces was daunting. BUT as I surely should have learnt by now - God always makes a way! And Jono (also drama major) was supportive and made sure I knew I didn't have to do it all by myself which was comforting.

On Wednesday night we had a show/ministry time at Northpoint Baptist Church. A really big confidence boost and exciting moment for me in the middle of all this craziness was when the youth pastor recognized me from Central Easter Camp where I'd performed in the talent quest a couple times. He said it was really cool to see me now touring with EXCEL and using my talents for God!

Thursday we managed to rehearse the youth show dramas a little bit after our two school shows and collaboration continued over the phone in the evening too.

The day of our youth show - Friday - arrived. We had two boys schools to do before packing in for the concert. It came to prayer time and I was struggling. I felt a little better afterwards though and told myself to just get over it and do the show. My conversation with God went like this:

God, I need your help. I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what I'm feeling. How do I get through tonight?
Your team are 100% behind you baby. Trust. Not just me but people too. You can't do this by yourself.
I'm worn out, Daddy.
You can do it darling. Next week at camp will bring refreshment and rest. Lean on me. I'm going to move powerfully tonight. This show won't be wasted on a few changes. I'm constant and promise to work. You're going to have amazing conversations tonight if you believe for them. Let me guide you to those. Give and receive. Bless and be blessed. Chin up, buttercup. I love you.

Let's just say, God comes through on His words!
All those amazing conversations happened. Some with interns from Hamilton who were on a crazy "faith week" and some with people from Northpoint, and a kid called Levi who was really keen to go to Excel one day. Near the end of pack down, I was feeling really happy that the show went as well as it did all things considered and I was bubbling from a comment someone made about me being a small person but having a BIG presence on stage. Even though I felt good, God was saying He still wanted to work in me and I still needed prayer. So I asked my friend Kevin to pray for me and I noticed that he prayed about leaning on God, just like in my earlier God Conversation! Then he started saying, "Woah, okay, weird..." I was like ae?! And he said God told him to sing a song over me... The words were:

"Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my sister live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by."

As soon as he started singing I burst out crying. It was so comforting and so beautiful and a moment I truly treasure.

Saturday was a day off and our host Mum drove myself, Ari and Oli to her luxury beach house which is used for ministry and hired out for honeymoons and getaways. We had a breakfast of croissants and tea then sat by the ocean and listened to Hillsong's Oceans. God's presence was so strong and just the sense that He is with me and guiding me was so real. It was so very refreshing and much needed.

The following day was the 24th of May which happens to be my birthday! The team surprised me with a cake the night before and as per our tour team tradition they went around and everyone gave an affirmation which was lovely. The week in New Plymouth came to an end with two Sunday shows which Roxette was able to be back for (praise the Lord). We'd made it through a pretty challenging time as a team and I was so grateful to God for being our strength and holding us all together. 

I think what I learnt on this week was that unexpected changes can always pop up. Sometimes they can really throw us off or rock us. They test, challenge, and push us to our limits. And yet, it's in those times that we have to decide to really trust God and depend on the people around us.

Week 4 ~ Napier & Hastings // Relationship

A real perk of tour is that every week we meet different pastors and people in ministry and get to learn from them and be encouraged by the work they're doing for the Kingdom. In Hastings we had a devotions one afternoon which was lead by the youth pastor of our host church. He chose to speak to us about relationships. He shared with us five ways to know if someone is the right person to date or have a relationship with... Those were:

1) Feeling of heart.
You're going to feel attracted to them and that's a beautiful part of it... Recognize your emotions, don't just push them away.

2) Ask God.
Simple, right? Pray about it. Chat with God! He knows the plan and He's promised us His Holy Spirit to help guide us in our decisions. Remember to listen for His answer.

3) Mathematics.
This point was actually quite a good one that I guess people don't talk about much. But I guess it's about the practical details... Can you actually see yourselves pursuing marriage together? Do you have the same core values? Are you going to make a good team? It's normal to have differences but make sure those aren't so great that they could put a divide between you or become major issues.

4) Parents/Pastoral leaderships approval/advice.
Ask people who care about you and your best interests about it. They're removed from the emotions and can often see things that you might not be able to while in the situation. Ask them to pray for you too!

5) Do you draw closer to Jesus?
This is a question we could ask about anything we do in life. But especially in the area of relationships we need to be sure that the person we're investing in is going to help us fall deeper in love with Jesus at the same time. If they pull you away or create a barrier between you and God, it's not worth it.


I'm yet to find that right relationship. But I'm not so much searching as I am simply anticipating. I find myself praying for my man very often. I think that praying is the only way to keep me patient sometimes! I'm dreaming and believing for my love story. I definitely see marriage in my future and oh my goodness I'm so excited to learn and grow alongside another human being.

Week 3 ~ Rotorua // Compassion

So much about our time in Rotorua was wonderful. Our host church, Harvest, were so so welcoming. They were really excited about us coming into their community and building on the work they're doing. We were told that the schools can be a bit of a rough crowd but in my opinion they were some of the best we've performed to because they were so into the music, they cracked up laughing at our dramas and they weren't afraid to get up and dance, scream, take photos and ask questions. Our youth show was absolutely packed out and Maori TV were even there and broad-casted a segment on us!

A small thing that I loved about this week was it was right in the height of Autumn and there are huge trees all over the city so everything was covered in beautiful autumn leaves of all colours. It seems a simple thing but they always remind me of the beauty God can bring from brokenness. 

Right on that note, we were given an incredible opportunity by one of the men of the church. His name was Henry and he worked in the juvenile centre on the edge of Rotorua. One of our girls was billeted at his house, they got talking and the way it worked out was Henry arranged for us to perform to some of the guys at the centre... 

To be very honest with you (which is something I always strive to do here) ...I was scared. We're talking about a prison. A prison for offenders who are too young to go to jail. These dudes were only like fifteen years old but had been wrapped up in a life of violence, crime, and gangs. I was nervous to stand before them and talk, act, perform. We knew though that this was a divine appointment. A performance arranged by God that we had been called to and we went in there praying and believing that something in our show would touch these guys who are just humans like us that need God's love and grace. 

As a part of our show one of my amazing tour brothers, Rawiri, shared a bit of his story. He understands these young men. Without going into detail we'll just say he can relate to the lifestyle they've found themselves in. The difference though is that he's met God who has changed his life forever. Now he's using his talent and passion to show the love of God. To inspire others and make a difference. When he finished talking, he launched into a haka for the boys. Most of the team joined in but I stood in the wings, side of stage, watching. The extreme respect, love, and passion from my team mates simply oozed into the atmosphere, mingled with the Holy Spirit. When they all came off stage I happened to look across at Jah, another one of my tour bros and Rawiri's best friend. The brokenness and compassion in his eyes hit me and my own tears started flowing. As the band and vocalists began singing Mercy Tree, offering the hope of Jesus Christ, my tears turned into full out sobbing which lasted till the end of the show. My heart was utterly overwhelmed. It was a mixture of things that I can't even really break down or describe to you but I think the emotion of that moment will always stay with me throughout my life. 

Once we'd packed up we got to head over to the dining hall and share a meal with the boys. This was truly something special as we just got to hang out with them, getting to chat and be real. We weren't allowed to stay long but the short time we were there had an immense impact on all of us. Walking away from that place with the huge barbed wire topped gates and fences I was blown away. Never in my wild imagination did I think I would have that opportunity. God truly can take you places you'd never imagine or dream when you commit your life to following Him. 

You know, we went there with the hope of imparting something to the young men locked up in that juvenile centre... But I think we were the ones who walked away with something. My heart was softened and my eyes were opened and I experienced Christ's love and compassion in a brand new way.

Week 2 ~ Tauranga // Confidence

On week two, the fast pace living, the high-intensity, and the cold caught up with me and I got a terrible cough... It was rather a down buzz to my otherwise amazing week so we'll just focus on those great things and not worry too much about the fact that I had the scratchiest, ugliest voice and raging coughing fits. 

New week, new city, new excitement for what God had in store! 

Tuesday, 28th April - Prayer Journal*

*Me: Morning God! What's the word for today?
God: Confidence. Not in your abilities or in your looks or in your team. Confidence in Me because it's in me that you know who you truly are. You have unlimited worth my precious girl. Don't enter this day afraid. Enter it knowing I'm right here for you and I won't let you go. I love you, Sonya.
Me: Daddy I'm still nervous. Help me!
God: Breathe, daughter. Rest in Me. You know you can trust Me.*


This word helped me immensely with the day that followed. We were performing at Tauranga Boys' College and I learnt pretty quickly on tour that when you get up in front of a group of school boys they're going to see you before they care about what you have to say. This means that walking out on that stage you get yelling, laughter, wolf whistles  and have a few hundred pairs of eyes glued to you. This can be pretty daunting... Now confidence is one of the main things I've worked on in drama. I love getting up in front of people and sharing but throw me into these situations and suddenly I'm not so calm side of stage! God's words to me gave me peace though. It meant that I walked out there with an authority to speak and a knowledge of who I am that anyone sitting in the audience could not alter. They had no power to throw me off my game, to belittle or objectify me or to intimidate me into being any less sure of myself and my God than I am. This makes all the difference walking out in front of countless strangers everyday and was such a valuable thing to realise and hold on to.

That same night we went to Miri and Mark Holloway's house for dinner and devotions. Mark is the author of current number 1 selling book, The Freedom Diaries. If you haven't read it I highly recommend. It's what's launched me into having conversations with God that go beyond our traditional ideas of prayer. You may have started to see that come through in my blog posts or conversations with you. This whole thing of God speaking on the regular is changing and shaping my life a lot! Anyway we had a great time of sharing and learning at the Holloway's house and it was followed up by a conversation between God and Mark that I featured in... 

Mark: I’m just wanting to talk [with you] because it’s addictive. It feels so good. It’s like a drug, it’s the ‘UN-DRUG’ – it’s the absolute opposite of all the fogginess that drugs bring. Talking back and forward with you like this brings clarity and peace – not praying, but actually conversing.
God: Carry on…
Mark: Well I’m rambling God, but… umm, well I like you, I think. I don’t want to say I love you because I think we rattle those words off to you when we don’t even know what you’re like. We think we love you, at least that’s what it seems like to me – maybe I’m the only one? Well that’s how it seemed until we started having an actual conversation like this. Until then I had no real idea what you were like. It’s like the kids from Excel said – Sonya and Jono – they said that now they’re having an actual conversation with you that the Jesus they thought they knew disappears and the real you starts challenging so many of the traditional concepts of what you’re like. I recognised immediately that they were experiencing the same thing that’s happened to me.

Mark and Miriam also came to our Saturday night youth show and then we were sent this conversation from Mark...

Mark: So God what are YOU thankful for?
God: I’m thankful for Excel.
Mark: Why?
God: Did you see what happened last night?
Mark: I think so? Did I?
God: "And Jesus stood up in the temple and read – The Spirit of the LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners."
Mark: What do you mean?
God: I mean you have, those kids have, Koia and John have absolutely no idea the power of what took place last night. They look at their performance, but I see what takes place in the invisible realm. And what took place at that level was huge. These are warriors, mighty men, all of them. The result was absolutely huge. They need to see it.

Wow. Do you feel the weight in those words? I do. It's so amazing to know that whilst we're up on a stage performing, God is doing some serious business in the hearts of the people as they experience our expression of art. 

You know one of the comments I most often get after shows is, "You just have so much confidence up there, it's amazing how you're so unafraid and open." Well I can tell you right now that all of that comes from God. Yes, I've had training and I've had to push past boundaries and barriers and work hard to get to it, but ultimately it is the words of life that God speaks over me that allows me to then share those words with others. Through this, other people can hear from God too and maybe grow in their own confidence...

Week 1 ~ Hamilton // Listen

For me, week one of tour was all about listening to God. Letting His words strengthen, guide, and define me. 

Our very first show of tour was hilarious! We arrived at Otarahanga High School, set the gear up, went to sound check and nothing worked... Steve, our tour manager, was running around trying to find the problem and we already had all the students packed into the hall waiting. As an MC for the school show, I jumped on stage and apologised for the delay due to technical difficulties. Eventually we found that the speakers were plugged in incorrectly - classic. We got through the show and the crowd were behind us and supportive despite the rocky start. But the way I saw it was only up from here! And it made a good story to start the journey hehe. 

Day two of tour I prayed: "Hi God! What do you want to say to me today?" 

His response; "Don't hold back, darling. You're ready for this. I've equipped you. Just shine for Me. Remember that you can always talk to Me." 

Then came our very first youth show! We performed at the Cambridge Community Marae. It was amazing sharing our message with people for the first time after all the rehearsals and effort we put into preparing it. The comments we received afterwards were so encouraging too. The most memorable for me was a Maori lady who explained that so many of her youth and the children in her community and whanau struggle with negative thinking, suicidal thoughts, and brokenness. She said the message we shared of positivity, hope, and living our lives based off truth not merely emotion was EXACTLY what they needed to hear. I guess that was a big statement right at the beginning of tour. It showed me why I'm in this. It's because the people of this nation desperately need to know they are loved. 

This was proved to me even more the next day when I was listening to God and heard:

"Tonight you're going to meet someone who needs to hear from Me. It's a girl. I'll show you who, don't guess, just listen. Yes, this is me speaking. Trust, Sonya. Let me use you."

Me: "God, enable my ears. Don't let me miss this."

God: "You won't if you listen. Believe."

So there we were at our show, performing and ministering at C3 Hamilton. I had just finished praying with a girl and her youth leader was thanking me saying, "Wow, everything you prayed for related perfectly to her life situation and current circumstances, thank you so much!" I didn't know her at all so that was clearly Spirit-lead in itself. I thought to myself okay that must have been the girl God talked to me about but then straight away I heard, "No, there's more." I was like alrighty what's next. Just then I looked up and saw another girl, she was by herself standing up on a balcony watching the prayer and worship going on. I felt a nudge and so headed up the stairs to go talk to her. As I was walking toward this stranger I prayed, "God is there a word you want to give her?" The word 'beauty' came to my mind. I approached this girl wondering how this whole ordeal would go but trusting God to lead me. All I said was hey I'm Sonya, what's your name? After introducing herself she says - with no questions or prompting from me - "I'm not a Christian. But I keep coming back to these events because I always feel something different here. I believe in God but like I don't know if I should go for Christianity because my family really doesn't like it... I'm just not sure what to do about it." WHAT?! Who just says that?! God must have covered me in a way to make me seem super trusting or something because to her I was a complete stranger and yet she opened up like that... So anyway I just encouraged her saying that what she feels at this church is God's Presence and that although people have their doubts, there is no denying that her experience is reality, a genuine feeling, she knows full well that God is real. I also let her know that she doesn't have to rush into a decision to follow God because He will be patient with her and He has everyone on their own journey. Then I let her know about that word 'beauty'. I said I wasn't sure how it related to her or if it meant anything, God just gave me the word by itself but as I said this she teared up, almost crying and simply said, "Woah. That makes sense." This was an amazing encounter for me and one of my favourite stories from tour. It just showed me that listening to God's directing always results in an impact. I don't know where she's at now. In fact I will never know if she chose to follow God or how her family is or what beauty meant to her but I can be assured that God did work in that moment, in both of us. 

"I will look for those that are lost, bring back those that wander off, bandage those that are hurt, and heal those that are sick... When I break my people's chains and set them free from those who made them slaves, they they will know that I am the Lord." (Ezekiel 34:16, 27b)

And Off We Go

I thought I'd post a few odd thoughts before starting Tour...

This is such an immense responsibility. We're not on this team just to travel NZ and have fun performing shows... We're going out carrying a message about Jesus Christ and the difference He's made to our lives! We are ambassadors for God's Kingdom. We are representing not just EXCEL, but God too.
"Everything you do, or say, then should be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, as you give thanks through him to God the Father." Colossians 3:17

I actually feel very prepared for this moment. I can look back on my life and see the clever ways God has got me ready for this. Some examples are in church youth group and kids camp leading, I've learnt to relate to and teach young people. And the times I've had to spend away from my family have got me ready to be on the road away from them for a while. I guess you could say I'm prepared in the performing arts aspect too but you see it's become about so much more than just that!
"God has made us what we are, and in our union with Christ Jesus he has created us for a life of good works, which he has already prepared for us to do."  Ephesians 2:10

I am learning so much about life and the Christian faith from the people I'm surrounded by. The last two months have been such a whirlwind journey and I know the work isn't finished yet...
"So I am sure that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished on the Day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

We're stepping into a battle and we're going to need full armour to win it, but we can and will through God's strength. I can see now that I'm going to find myself weak often but I pray that I will never give up.
"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

This is all about bringing God's beloved children back to Him. Finding restoration in Aotearoa.
"All nations will remember the Lord. From every part of the world they will turn to him; all races will worship him. The Lord is King, and he rules the nations."  Psalm 22:27

Sweet Fragrance of Jesus

Thursday the 26th of March, Wayne (one of the staff at EXCEL), felt God tell him that he should play piano and sing over us as a team, that as he sang God would speak to us through him. The fancy Christian word for this is "prophesy". Wayne started playing and I could feel the Holy Spirit come flooding into the room. My heart was open and expectant. God talked to us about being a fire in this country, igniting a flame in people. Then Wayne had songs for specific people. It was so cool hearing what God was saying, speaking truth and encouragement over my friend's lives. The last person God had a song for was me... What He said was this ...

"You are a flower with a sweet smelling fragrance. You will turn heads as people smell the sweetness of Jesus on you. People will turn their heads when you walk past and want what you've got. There's something different about you. I made you this way for a reason. You will have words of life for people and it's going to make a difference, it's going to change lives..."

As Wayne heard these words from God and sang them out I started crying. I so long to show Jesus to others. I want people to see that living for themselves will only leave them empty, but choosing to live for God brings you a life of joy, fulfilment, and peace. To know and believe that my life will impact others to look to God and want Jesus makes me so excited, determined, and confident. The other thing I've been really wanting and asking God for is to have specific words of encouragement for people. To be able to offer them something that will challenge their thinking or stir their heart. To have really meaningful conversations and not just throw Christian cliches at people but to look at their life circumstances and offer real, living hope. Later in the day we had Devotions and towards the end I was standing next to one of my sisters from the tour team. I randomly asked God if there was anything He wanted to say to her through me and I heard a word. I shared it with her and the moment I did she broke down crying because she said it was exactly what she needed to hear and that she wanted so bad to hear from God. In that exchange both of our prayers were answered!

Last Sunday I got into the car to head to Church with my family and my sister said, "Mmmm you're wearing that perfume again aren't you. You always smell so pretty when you wear that." Although she was talking about a literal smell, it just reminded me and reinforced that word about carrying a sweet-smelling fragrance of Jesus. I want people to notice the Jesus in me. Not so that I can be told I'm a good Christian or an amazing person... But simply so that through me others might draw closer to having their own relationship with God deepened, or even to spark curiosity to seeking God for the first time...

In just two weeks time, EXCEL Tour 2015 will begin. Please pray for protection for our team, that we'll be guarded from the Enemy's attacks. And that we'll continue to hear God's voice clearly and keep making choices that honour and glorify Him.

Oh and Happy Easter! Christ is risen - He is risen indeed!

My Darling

I'm praying for you... And believing you're out there praying for me too...

Love is patient. Pray and wait. Our life together will be beautiful my darling.